January 17, 2011

One week reflection

I'm trying to figure out what went wrong.  The first day was good, almost easy.  So why on day two did I cave and start smoking again?  I think part of the reason is fear and part of it is because Day 1 was so easy. 

I'm afraid of being a non-smoker.  I've been a smoker for seventeen years and it's become part of who I am, part of my life.  The last several years I've hated it, feeling like my life is dictated by my addiction.  Standing outside in the winter freezing and shivering to get my fix of nicotine.  Stepping out during social engagements and missing opportunities to have fun with my friends.  I hate the smell on my clothes and feeling self conscious when I meet new people, because I stink.  So it's totally insane that I'm afraid, but the truth is I am.  I'm afraid I won't know what to do with myself with out a cigarette.  I realized that first day I had alot of 'extra' time on my hands.  It's sad how much time in the past seventeen years I've wasted on my addiction.

Honestly the first day was great!  I had a couple times when I wanted to smoke, mostly when I had nothing to do.  I tried to keep myself busy all day.  When I did think about smoking, I reminded myself how great it is to be a nonsmoker!  It was so easy that I thought it wouldn't matter if I just had one, I could stop again anytime I wanted.  But that one turned into another one and another one, until I was hooked again.  I felt like a failure and that I would never be rid of this evil addiction.

So now it's just over a week later.  I've looked back to see what went wrong and how I can change it.  I've put my fears and concerns down in writing.  I've re-read my Easyway book.  My father just lent me his quit smoking hypnotism CD, which is what helped him quit.  I also have found a website that offers advice and support for quitting smoking.  You can also read and post in online forums.  With all these resources in place I'm feeling less afraid and more ready to be successful in becoming a nonsmoker with a new quit date.

I'll be using my blog, friends, and family to help keep myself accountable and stay quit.


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